Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
