DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That was an excessively violent trivia night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
