Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
