he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
