I need to stop coming to work sober
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
