Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
