Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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