I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
