I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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