Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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