I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
