i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
