You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
