i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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