I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize