new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
