Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
