Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Bring me that man meat
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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