Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
