I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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