I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
