I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
