Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you never un-have a 4some
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
