Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize