THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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