i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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