I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize