I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
