I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
