i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
