My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Randomize
