your parents love me but you hate me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
