naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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