My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize