3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
