I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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