an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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