remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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