I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
