I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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