did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
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