Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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