someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
