my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize