cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
