The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
