That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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