Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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