Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
