there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Did you just see the Batmobile???
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
