So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
