Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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