do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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