Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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