How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
