I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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