Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
