I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
