never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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