he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
