Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Need sex. Gaining weight.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
