yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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