I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
