i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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